


Goodbye, my lover

by MarieMaknae23



Category: VIXX
Genre: Agoraphobia, Anxiety Attacks, Brat Hyuk, Composer Wonshik, Depression, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Major in Dance Hakyeon, Medical student Leo, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Trainee Ken, You May Cry, mention of rape, model hongbin, neo - Freeform, wontaek, you know where this is headed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-11-30 17:23:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11468181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarieMaknae23/pseuds/MarieMaknae23
Summary: "You have been the most important thing in my life, the only thing that lighted up my darkest fears and emotions. You are now with him and I don't exist for you anymore, so I don't have anything left to say more than Thank you for all you did for me, for all those laughs, for all those kisses, and hugs, and nights spent in your arms; thanks for all those years of frienship and thanks for standing by my side in my toughest times.So now, I say goodbye, I don't expect you understand...but anyways I'll say it: if you won't be in my life, there's not point for me to keep living.Goodbye, my lover; goodbye, my friend. You have been the one for me."





	1. Tired

His hands grabbed tighter my buttocks so he would penetrate me harder, faster and efficient making me moan louder, I dropped my head and perk my ass a little bit more so the angle would hit in the right spot, I squeezed tighter the sheets between my hands and started panting like if I was running a marathon.

The sound of his thighs hitting my buttocks endlessly echoed again and again in the cold and dimly lit room apartment. I heard a soft groan coming from his throat and his hips stilled when he reached his silent orgasm. Taekwoon helped me sit up, taking my cock and stroking it rudely so I would also spill my seed in the white sheets of my bed.

We dropped back on the pillows, catching our breaths after our exhaustive physical activity. I wiped the sweat of my forehead and turned sideways to watch Taekwoon, who was breathing deeply and had his eyes closed just whit the white cloth covering his tired crotch.

I sighed and saw the time on the wall clock it was 4:30 am. Well…fuck, I had my first class at 7:00, and it was now a fact that I wasn’t going to be able to sleep not even an hour. With another sigh I stood up and grabbed my boxers from the floor and put them on, scratching my head while thinking of showering to clean myself from all the semen and sweat.

“Hakyeon” Taekwoon called me with his soft voice “wait a bit” he took my hand and pulled me into an embrace, resting his forehead against my chest “I need to talk to you about something important.”

“What's up?” I asked, feeling a strange sensation in the gut. A bad feeling.

“We must stop doing this” he said after a long pause, staring into my eyes with his characteristic seriousness.

“Oh...ok” I babbled, biting the nail on my thumb, feeling my heart pounding against my chest.

“Don’t think it has anything to do with you” he said hurriedly “it’s just that…” the hestitated a little, he broke eye contact and stare at my bare legs “Wonshik just broke up with his girlfriend…because of me” he turned his eyes to me “I want to go out with him…I mean…I want a…serious relationship with him.”

“Oh!”  I cried again, now with surprise, feeling again that strange feeling of emptiness in my stomach “don’t worry…it’s not as if we were something serious…we just fuck once in a while when we had the urge” I tried to chuckle, a bitter taste filled my mouth.

“Even so, I felt the need to tell you” he said, running his index finger on the multiple scars in my inner things. I felt a knot in my throat and lowered my gaze, feeling how the scars that started everything began to tickle “you’re great, Hakyeon. Thanks for all this and don’t forget, this won’t ruin our friendship, we would still be friends…I mean, we have been friends since we were like five years old, what could change now?” he hugged me and the knot went tighter and, although I wanted that hug to last forever, I separated from him unable to hold back any longer.

“I-I’m going to…” my voice came out choked and I coughed, turning my back to him and walking away so he wouldn’t see my tearful eyes “I’m going to take a shower, I don’t know if you want to stay here or go to your room…I uhm…you let me know if it takes longer and you need to shower…or…ahm…” I was left without words so I just took my clothes and ran out of the bedroom.

I walked blindly for the long corridor that connected my room with the rest of the small apartment and led to the bathroom, tears were now running down my face and I was unable to see well my surroundings, but I had walked the same route in the same conditions so now I didn’t found difficult to find my way and take shelter in the room that had seen me countless times in my darkest and lowest moments.

_Water run down my body along with my tears for the hundredth time. The water had ceased to be warm and now was pouring ice cold in my body. I was cold, I could felt my body shivering for the cold but I didn’t care._

_I was tired._

_Tired of everything._

_Tired of hiding. Tired of not being able to smile sincerely. Tired of having to pretend in front of all the people I cared about but I wasn’t so sure they cared the same for me. Tired of feeling like nobody loved me, appreciated me or cared for me. Tired of not being able to sleep at night for that constant feeling of anguish gripped to my chest like a straitjacket, that desperation that clung to me like an animal, hurting me with his huge and long claws buried very deep._

_I took out the known cutter that I kept hidden between my stuff, that cutter was so used to mark my skin that the weight of that fragile instrument was so comfortable and familiar in my hand. I had always thought that the moment when I decided to end things definitely that object would feel heavier, the fact that it was the opposite made easier to perform that action._

_Instead of running its blade through the dark skin in my things I ran it through my wrists._

_The burning sensation of the metal cutting deeply through the skin and muscles ‘til penetrating the artery that ran through that area made me shudder. The tile of the bathroom was stained quickly with the bright red color of my blood and it looked so astonishing against the white tile, at least I was going to have something beautiful to look at in my last moments. I was always a lover of beauty, I could find beauty in most of the things around me. For that time I would have preferred to be watching the sunrise seen from the roof of the house where I grew up until my parents passed away. I closed my eyes and relaxed my body, feeling my eyelids heavy as life was escaping from my body._

_A noise made me open my eyes more in surprise than curiosity, they still felt heavy and my surroundings were blurry, the pool of blood was no bigger than I remembered it so it didn’t have passed much time._

_“Damn it, Hakyeon!” Taekwoon’s face appeared in my field of vision, he was paler than usual and his white scrubs of medical student were stained with my blood “Hakyeon!” he said again, realizing I was still conscious and took two facial towels from the cabinet we had in the small bathroom, he came back to me and made a kind of tourniquet to try to stop the bleeding “can you stand up?” he asked, passing one of my arms around his shoulders, he stood up pulling me with him to stand me up, but my legs didn’t respond “Hakyeon, I need you to stand up…I need you awake…come on, it’s not too late…we’ll fix everything” he urged me when he felt my dead weight on his shoulders. My world was spinning faster than before and all I could see now was shadows and dim light “why did you do this? Huh? HELP ME PLEASE!” he shout in desperation. I was amused, I never heard Taekwoon scream with suck desperation._

_“N-no” I gasped with a weak voice when I realized he was taking me out of the apartment “I don’t want...” I muttered, tears spilling by my cheeks in confusion of being happy of being discovered and angry for the same reason._

_“Hakyeon, please” he pleased, leaning against a wall corridor and knocking on our neighborhood’s door “the hospital is very close…PLEASE HELP ME!” he screamed at someone walking down the corridor and my world went black for a moment, Taekwoon carried me on his arms, avowing me on falling further onto a dark tunnel “Call an ambulance, please!”_

_“No hospitals…please” I shook my head, forcing myself to open my eyes “they are going to lock me up…” I sobbed and my head fell backwards, darkness surrounding me again._

_“They aren’t going to lock you up. You need to go to a hospital and you need to go right now” he said firmly and readjusted my body so my head would be resting on his chest and started walking hurriedly towards somewhere._

_I didn’t have any strength left to keep arguing with my childhood friend and roommate so I left him take me to the front of the apartment building. My face was getting wet with the tears that spilled down his cheeks nonstop and his arms tightened his embrace every once in a while, always checking the tourniquets he had done on my wrist to avoid my life would keep spilling, making sure that I was still alive, like a good friend must do._


	2. Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is still a flashback.

_I didn’t know how long I have been looking at the white ceiling of what I supposed it was my hospital room. I refused to look around but I was able to hear the typical noise of hospitals in the distance and even a few repressed laughs. Apparently nobody had noticed that I had woken up from my unconsciousness, feeling my heart beating, the air filled with a reeking smell of bleach; everything told me that I was alive and that’s why I felt totally miserable and alone. Just as usual._

_The rustle of cloth and some light footsteps indicated me that someone had entered the room so I quickly looked away from my blank staring to see my visitor. Taekwoon walked very slowly towards the chair that was sitting next to my bed, his clothes were still stained with my blood and his jaw was tense, just like he did when he was worried or nervous._

_“They didn’t want to discharge you until they had contact with a guardian” he said, his voice a little bit hoarse “I explained them the…situation…and ordered me to be with you the whole time” he coughed a bit and walked a few more steps to sit on the chair with a big sigh “you’ll have an appointment with a psychiatrist three times a week to ensure that you won’t…” his voice broke “why you never told me you felt that way?” his voice sounded pained and I closed my eyes, feeling my lip tremble “do we mean so little to you? You didn’t thought that Wonshik, Jaehwan, Hongbin, Sanghyuk and me would be very hurt for your actions? You were planning to leave us” a few tears ran down his cheeks “we could have solved things so easily by talking things out. But you never thought about that, you never even thought on how much we would miss you, Hakyeon…” he sobbed “You mean to us so much, Hakyeon. You are such a great dancer, you’re a wonderful friend and person, you always worry about others first than you, your friendly, and talkative, you always have extra love to give to all the persons around you, you are always acting like our mother worrying about us, why you wouldn’t let us worry about you now?” more tears ran nonstop through our cheeks and he rubbed his face over and over, his face redding further. He always hated to cry_

_“I’m tired, Taekwoon” I finally said, sniffing my snot that was threating to run to my lips “I have to stop feeling like this…forever.”_

_“And you think we can’t help with that? Do you really think that suicide would stop the pain? It will only end for things to get better” he asked, hiccupping slightly._

_“You don’t understand. You don’t have to think about me. You are way too busy with your classes and practices and work; Wonshik with his songwriting thing and Minah; Hongbin and Jaehwan are trainees for God’s sake…they don’t even have time to sleep…and Sanghyuk…he doesn’t care of anyone if they doesn’t have food or comic books.” I numbered “it’s not that easy.”_

_“Hakyeon…I understand about the others, but me? I’ve been your friend since kindergarten, who else could understand you more than me? I have been with you in the most difficult moments of your life and you have been in mine, how can you say I wouldn’t understand or care about you?” he squeezed my hands tightly and that made me start sobbing like a three year old kid who had just been denied candy._

_“It’s harder than you think” I tried to control myself; I swallowed and took a deep breath, still shaken by strong sobs “Would you understand that my whole life is fake? When I smile sometimes it isn’t because I’m really happy; when I worry about the others is so I can stop thinking about my own problems for a bit. I talk and be friendly because I hate to be left alone because I know that’s when things get worse, but what happens at night? Have you ever wondered why I am the first one awake?” he shook his head, looking at me with interest “sometimes is because I sleep only a few hours before nightmares attack me, other times is because I can’t sleep at all” the sobs coming through my mouth made almost impossible for he to understand me, but still he did his best to understand me, even his eyes went a little bit dark._

_“But all those things have solution…”_

_“Medication? Psychiatrists?” I interrupted his with a bitter smile “I spent ten years of my life in different psychologist and psychiatrist, under thousand treatments that promised to heal the wound that my father left when he raped me almost every day since I was seven years old” I almost screamed, feeling how the weight of that dark secret dig deeper in my insides. Taekwoon’s eyes widened in surprise, is hand moved impulsively as if he wanted to hug me or hold my hand “ten years under treatment and that the only persons that knew my secret would be the doctors and me. And they only knew because nobody else would believe me, there wasn’t enough evidence” I stopped to breath and I realized that Taekwoon was biting his trembling lips to stop crying “and as if all that wasn’t enough…the night my parents died was because they were on the way to pick me up because they had received a call from my dance studio that they caught me kissing with another boy in the bathroom” Taekwoon stopped biting his lip and looked at me with surprise and shocked “I have to live with another wound added…as if the other one wasn’t so deep. Do you know how many nightmares I’ve had in which my parents blame me because of my homosexuality killed them? I KILLED MY PARENTS JUST BECAUSE I’M GAY, TAEKWOON!” my throat hurt by the volume I started shouting, perhaps the whole hospital knew by now my tragic story but it didn’t matter to me who would found out. Once the secret began to flow from my lips there was no way to stop it._

_“Why you never told me? I was with you in all those times” I let out a sarcastic laugh._

_“Taekwoon, please” I buffed, I tried to raise a hand to wipe my tears but i was tied to the bed “you told me countless times that you think that gay people are disgusting and an aberration, something that shouldn’t exist. The religiosity of your family would never let them believe me that someone as respectable as my father did all those atrocious things to an innocent boy. No what you have to say? What do you think now that you know that your best friend is an aberration?” the claws of the monster again were clinging to my chest, the room seemed to have run out of air and I started to gasp for the vital oxygen._

_I fought against the bonds that held my hands to run out of there for a little fresh air. At some point a circle of doctors and nurses came into the room and tried to calm me. The monster in my chest keep making me unable to breath, to think and that I was unable to do nothing more than cry desperately._

_Taekwoon never let go of my hand, or at least he didn’t until they took him out of the room. He didn’t went out until giving me a last squeeze and say something to me that I couldn’t understand as a nurse was telling me over and over that I needed to calm down. I looked towards Taekwoon with the hopes of him telling them to leave me alone, but it wasn’t like that. My best friend just looked away with his tearful eyes and let them inject me a painkiller in my vein, letting darkness drag me again to his gloomy reign, unable to know if I was going to escape from it once and for all or I was going to embrace  it for all  eternity._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Even though is short, I don't know if I should make the chapters longer...hum either ways next one is actually longer than this. 
> 
> Nice comments, constructive comments and all kind of comments and kudos are welcomed!   
> Have a nice week!   
> I've just been fired/voluntary quit from my job ;.; I am jobless, but I am starting my internship as a nurse next week so I guess that's nice! Only they are paying me 300 pesos every two weeks (like 15-16 dollars every two weeks) so I am going to be poor AF. Not even for the gasoline...or more like...only for gas TT.TT   
> See you next week! :D


	3. Being Alive

**_WELCOME HOME HAKYEON_ **

_It was the first thing I read when Taekwoon opened the door of the apartment in which I had not stepped a foot in from a month ago, when I tried to kill myself._

_Two pairs of arms hugged me tightly, so tight it took my breath away. Sanghyuk and Jaehwan began singing some kind of cheer song that I didn’t understood because their voice spliced with each other. Jaehwan was a mutual friend of Wonshik, trainee at the same company for which Wonshik composed some great songs. Sanghyuk was the younger brother of Taekwoon and he had cried incessantly for months until we finally let him hang out with us, only to realize that he had become a monster from more than 190 cm. tall. I could say that those five crazy bastards were someone I could call “friends”, or even “best friends”._

_“Hyung, Hyung, Hyung, Hyung, Hyung” Jaehwan said nonstop, taking me by the arm and pulling me inside de apartment “You have to see how Hongbin is decorating your room!” he exclaimed happily “Minah is also helping with the decoration.” If Wonshik was with us it also meant that his girlfriend had to be present. Those two were so in love it made us gag so many times from how cheesy and lovey-dovey they were._

_Jaehwan snatched the suitcase from my hands and dragged me towards my room, talking very quickly about a thousand things and something about a wall painted blue and I-don’t-know-what problem in framing a photo of all of us._

_And indeed, my room had stopped having those boring white walls, now it had one of the walls in a nice bright blue, on that wall there was a framed photography of our first vacations all by ourselves as responsible adults. I approached towards the picture to better see the smiling faces of the six, with our cheeks sunburned by the bright sun of Jeju Island. I remembered perfectly that time, that night I had cried my eyes out from laughter for all the jokes all the youngest and Jaehwan made, I was also close to pee myself due to that._

_I felt again tears sting my eyes, so I pretended I was interested in the night glowing stars I had stuck in the roof to clean the evidence._

_“Come on, Hyung, Taekwoon says the food is ready” Hongbin said, smiling so broadly that his dimples were shown “we put on the picture so you could always remember those happy times whenever you feel down.”_

_The effect of all five reunited was almost magical. Sanghyuk, Jaehwan and Hongbin had joy and charisma to share with others. It had been so long since laughter was heard in that small apartment, so long since my stomach hurt from so much laughter, so long without enjoying the taste of the food on my mouth on every bite; it had been so long since I enjoyed being alive._

_“I’d like to stay a little bit longer, Hyung” Hongbin said, standing when the clock reached midnight “but the company only gave us permission ‘til 12:30” he stretched._

_“What if we stay just a little bit longer?” Jaehwan whined, clinging to one of my arms._

_“And so they punish you practicing until four in the morning?” Wonshik said, who was comfortably leaning on Minah’s shoulder and she stroked his hair._

_“All right, all right” he sputtered, standing up reluctantly._

_“Come on, go now, Jaehwan, you have to dedicate your first win” I said, spanking his butt playfully “I’ll be here a while longer.”_

_“Well, first I have to debut” Jaehwan said hastily, sensing a change in the atmosphere at my last comment “you better tell Hongbin to get a tattoo with your name somewhere, he already signed a photo shoot with I-don’t-know-which magazine._

_“And why you didn’t say that earlier! We could have brought alcohol to celebrate” Wonshik said, staring bitter at the bottle of cola._

_“No. Hakyeon can’t mix alcohol with his medication” Taekwoon interjected, watching Wonshik with a frown “But congratulations, Bean, now you can pay for next meal.”_

_We all laughed again at the look the soon-to-be model gave to Taekwoon. In between more cheerful talk and a small tantrum of Sanghyuk as he didn’t wanted to leave yet (but if Jaehwan and Hongbin didn’t gave him a ride he wouldn’t be able to return home) but finally the nosier of all of us went out to a windy night and the noise in the house decreased significantly. Wonshik and Minah sprawled in the sofa in the living room, meanwhile Taekwoon and I were cleaning up the kitchen._

_“I can do the dishes, Taekwoon” I said, starting to accommodate the dishes to my liking._

_“You can’t get the bandages wet” he warned and the weight of the badges covering my wound was present again. Oh, right. I had tried to kill myself and now everyone was worried about it, I had forgotten about it for a few hours “I can deal with this, you go and take your medication.”_

_“Yes, Mom” I said, trying to joke but reality was striking me again._

_Knowing that Taekwoon was watching me I went for my things that were left in the living room, trying to not look how Wonshik and Minah were sucking each other’s faces, arms and legs so entangled I didn’t knew which was which. I returned to the kitchen feeling my cheeks a little bit hot from the hot situation unfolding in the living room._

_“Those two are eating themselves alive again?” Taekwoon asked, I just nodded “I thought they had already passed the stage where you have the need to be all over the other” and rising the dish soap from his hands he went to kick them out of the house to do those things in other place._

_“You didn’t need to be so rough with them, Taekwoon” I commented once he had returned to the kitchen._

_“They have to understand that people doesn’t want to see how they eat each other, and that it’s extremely rude and awkward” he reasoned with me once he removed me from the sink where I was planning on doing the pile of dishes “especially those who haven’t had that kind of action in a long time” he sighed._

_“You tell me” I muttered, sighing and sitting at the table, craving a scratch on the wood of the table “I’ve never had a kiss that you say I longed for” I confessed, feeling my cheeks burn at the sudden confession._

_“Really?” Taekwoon wondered, turning to face me with his hands sheathed in pink rubber gloves “but you kissed that third year girl when we were freshman! She was the crush of almost the whole school…she was also my crush._

_“She stole that kiss from me, I didn’t kissed her” I cleared, smiling nervously “Well…yes, I mean, I did returned that kiss but there wasn’t any butterflies, pop or anything like that. Besides, do you remember my…gayness? Even my first kiss was…awkward. I don’t know if it was because he did something wrong or I did something wrong…” I scratched the back of my head, suddenly feeling very hot “in conclusion, my experiences with kissing are not good, and let’s not even talk about sex” Taekwoon cocked his head unconsciously, like a puppy trying to understand a situation “I will take a shower” I added, running out of the kitchen._

_I wanted to hide in a hole like an ostrich. In front of everyone else I was some sort of Casanova, all secure about his conquers and hook ups and now Taekwoon knew the whole truth and it clearly hurt my ego._

X

X

X

_I removed the steam of the large mirror with one hand so I could watch my figure, hoping to see a different reflection that I remembered from a month earlier, but yet, nothing changed. The mirror was reflecting the same young dark skinned boy. Slim body, almost puny, with no muscles marked than the ones of my strong dancer legs built for many years. I kept seeing short legs with thick thighs full off white scars, some older than others and scattered throughout the front and inner side; I still saw the longer than usual neck and I counted again all the moles in my body; I knew where each of them was: since the one in my ear that looked like a piercing to the one in the middle of my left buttock. Absolutely everything was still Cha Hakyeon, only adding now the vertical wounds on my wrists which seemed to be decorated by the small ribbons of the stitches._

_Through the reflection I could observe the corner where I had tried to take my life. The tile was again immaculate white, I was unwilling to ask who had cleaned the pool of blood I had left, but I imagined Taekwoon scrubbing frantically the floor the perfection. Taekwoon always sought to perfection in everything around him. I shivered and looked away, forcing myself to not stare back to that place, even though it was like a magnet._

_Wrapping myself in the comfy pants and plus sized hoodie I loved sleeping with I made my way to my room; Taekwoon apparently had finished with all the dishes since the kitchen and the living room were dark and in complete silence. I was a little surprised when I discovered Taekwoon sitting on my bed, sipping a steaming cup of I was so sure it was coffee._

_“I have to clean your wounds every night until they remove the stitches next week” he nodded towards the pack of gauze and isodine “today I’m your doctor, so sit down” I obeyed him, formulating a small smile before his sudden authority._

_His hands were smooth and professional when treating my wounds. I thought maybe his hands would tremble, but they hold mine with a manly firmness. That day I realized that Jung Taekwoon would be a very good doctor._

_“Are you all right, Hakyeon?” he asked when he finished, still holding my left hands between his._

_“Yeah” I said, a little embarrassed by the fixity of his gaze._

_“Are you really ok?” there was kindness in his eyes, his voice was soft and there was sincerity in his words “Hakyeon, I don’ want you to get through this alone. I don’t want you to feel alone anymore, that I don’t care about you…” his fingers squeezed my arm lightly._

_“I’m not fine…yet” I replied with sincerity “It’s not something that changes from night to morning, it’s not something that is fixed with a simple ‘stop being sad, be happy’” I tried to smile “but I’ll try to be fine…I can’t promise you that I will, but I’ll try.”_

_“I need you alive, Hakyeon. I need my best friend, nagging me nonstop, being so fastidious as only you can be, I need you to always wanting to be hugging me and clinging onto me and me getting mad because of it. I need you fine, Cha Hakyeon.”_

_“I’ll try” I managed to say, feeling the limp in my throat starting to tighten again. No one had ever told me that they needed me._

_“Good” Taekwoon said in a whisper and without notice his lips met mine._

_It was a simple union of lips, probably it only lasted a few microseconds, but I was able to feel every detail, everything that his body did and how mine reacted. It had been so spontaneous that I forgot to breathe in those microseconds. His lips were soft and plump, they accommodate so well to the shape of my thin lower lip. I felt how his hands began to sweat, because he was still holding mine._

_We parted and looked into each other’s eyes, I could feel mine watery, but his were serious and had a hint of nervousness. I bit my lip, looking at him intently, trying to find the right words or the right questions to ask in this sudden situation._

_“I’m sorry…I…ah…” he stammered, suddenly becoming bright red “the only reason for me…hating gays…ahm...it’s because...well I’ve had such thoughts since…well so as far as I can remember” he said, blushing more deeply if possibly “I define myself as bisexual…I think…or not…let’s just say that if I like the person I just…you know” he put one of his hands in my thighs, the hair of the back of my neck stood up, a strange sense of anxiety settled in my body. Desire. “I know that part of your problem is not being able to be who you really are, Hakyeon, with me you don’t have to pretend anymore” I could feel his breath mingle with mine. I’ve had hugged him a thousand times but now it felt different “let’s help each other, shall we?” he panted before rejoining his lips to mine._

_This time we kissed as if we had built up the need on all those years of friendship. I felt awkward and inexperienced, he seemed to have a natural talent to kiss. His lips moved softly, his tongue danced calmly with mine, his hand knew how to hold my neck so we could accommodate better to make that kiss more passionate, needier, urgent, more perfect._

_Until that moment, every time I received a deep kiss was as if the other guy was trying to choke me with his tongue. If the hands of the other person wanted to run through my body, it seemed to have some kind of octopus complex. Taekwoon hugged me with the necessary force, his left hand was still entrenched in my neck, exerting the right pressure; his right hand was placed on my inner thigh and he stoked it with a subtlety that I could barely feel it, but was still enough to turn my whole body on fire, each one of his strokes that came closer towards my painful boner left be breathless._

_Jung Taekwoon was what I always had needed in my life, what I had always have hoped and always imagined how making out and making love should be._

_The next few seconds, minutes and even hours were filled with incredible, unknown, until now, sensations.  The torrent of emotions was so strong that all the time I was in his arms, that he was making me touch the sky with his sly fingers, every time he filled my insides completely with that thick cock of his, he made me tremble uncontrollably, he made me moan and whine as if my body didn’t knew to do anything else besides that to respond to his touches. I clung tightly to any part of his body on my reach, holding for dear life because I felt that if I let go or he would let go of me something very bad would happen._

_There was no time while I was in his arms, I didn’t care that his body crushed me, I didn’t care that we were both covered in sweat and especially: I didn’t mind being naked in front of him. In front of Taekwoon I felt like a book, a book he cold browse and read at his own like, and he had already done that. He knew every single thing of me._

_The enormous amount of pleasure I had on every cell of my body made me tear up and moan like never before when I finally reached for the coveted orgasm, such powerful orgasm that I blacked out for a few seconds. I hugged him so tightly I thought I was going to break a rib, I clenched my walls so tight I thought I would prune his penis and I felt like I wasn’t going able to refill my seminal ducts because of the huge amount of seed that stained the sheets._

_Taekwoon slumped besides me, after also having reached his orgasm. We both breathed restlessly and felt my heart beating wildly, all my muscles, from the waist down, were almost screaming in pain from the strenuous physical activity and a slight blush covered my cheeks when I remembered why my legs were cramping so bad. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it be to ride someone at the rate your desire demanded._

_“You know… I don’t know if you are ok with this but…” he panted, turning sideways so he could look at me “we should do this every time we have some kind of…physiological need” he bit his lip, removing my wet bangs away from my face “you okay with that?” he asked, stroking the line of my stomach._

_“Sounds good” I replied, smiling sheepishly, feeling a small flutter in my stomach “it’s not like I’m in love with your or I’ll fall in love with you” and feeling a bit more daring I straddled him again, feeling his cock began to harden on my skin._

_Little I knew at that time that things would change drastically._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sigh* I know, I know, Hakyeon is being so naive, but...what can we do about it?  
> Thanks again for another week, another chapter!  
> We are finally done with the flashbacks!  
> See you next week.  
> Let me read what you think(?)  
> Marie <3


	4. Background

I remember the exact moment I knew I was in love with Jung Taekwoon.

I always thought that the fact that I would stay the whole day thinking about our last night, that quick memories of his touch on my skin would appear through the day and that my skin would crawl when remembering the sensation of his lips again my skin, all of that was merely because what we were doing at night (and on several occasions during the evenings too) was just so good that my body didn’t wanted to forget those sensations yet. I thought every time he mocked me for eating too much (thanks to the antidepressants) and my cheeks will blush madly and my heart would flutter it was just because I was ashamed of the fact that indeed I was gaining weight.

Until one night I had nightmares again and I woke up screaming in the middle of the night. Taekwoon came running to my bedroom, he cradled me in his arms, his soft voice started humming softly and saying soothing words, and as easy as that my irrational fear was over, the monster loosened its grip in my chest and my mind finally understood.

I was totally and completely in love with Jung Taekwoon.

I knew it couldn’t be that way, I knew that friends with benefits weren’t supposed to fall in love. I knew I had no chance with him…or so I thought for three seconds when I saw, or I thought I saw that he could also feel something for me.

I thought that the fact that, instead of just getting dressed and going to his room after having sex, he would stay the night with me was because he was also beginning to develop feelings for me. I snuggled against his chest and he would wrap me with one arm languidly, while my whole being felt at peace, happy of being so close to someone I loved and was getting sure he loved me too.

That’s why when he told me he was going to be in a relationship with Wonsik I felt as if someone threw a cold ice bucket at me, it was the same icy disconcerting feeling through each nerve, and I knew my world was coming down, again.

X  
X  
X  
                I had become used to Wonsik being totally in love and gooey with Minah. I was used to having the presence of Taekwoon between my legs almost every night, to be with him 24/7 and feeling accompanied and loved. I had gotten used to all of this and not having it anymore hurt me more, it crawled me back into the abyss from which, with the help of Taekwoon, I had made it out slowly.

Taekwoon and Wonsik were dating just for two weeks and for me it felt like an eternity. I never imagined that his close friendship was actually a subtle flirting that got to the point that Wonsik had to break up with his girlfriend because he couldn’t hide longer his love for Taekwoon. I had never imagined that the adoring gaze I always dreamed Taekwoon would give me he would give to someone so close to me and even with more intensity that I ever saw in both of them.

I knew I had to be happy for both of them, I knew they were deep in love and you could almost say they were soul mates. I have never seen them so happy, but what about me? Could I be totally selfish and think only in my happiness rather than theirs?

X  
X  
X

I woke up abruptly, my whole body was covered in a thin layer of sweat and my heart was racing wildly against my chest. Nightmare again. Brilliant, at least now I hadn’t woken up screaming. As if I were a child I stood up and walked with fear towards Taekwoon’s room, just by mere inertia, in my mind there was the only thought that Taekwoon was the only one who could calm me to sleep all night, even if I just lied down beside him.

I opened the door of his room and I regretted it a few seconds later. The only thing I didn’t needed at that time was to see how Taekwoon and Wonsik were very endorsed in their hot making love session. I didn’t need to see how Wonsik was between Taekwoon’s long legs, which were on the shoulders of the younger, who was fucking him at a frantic pace, snatching moans that he was struggling to hold up so they weren’t heard in the entire apartment. Yes, I could see all that in less than two seconds.

“Shit! I’m sorry!” at last I could react, I turned immediately, feeling embarrassed and heartbroken at the same time.

“Hakyeon…” Taekwoon panted, pulling apart from Wonsik, who covered both with the sheet. “What happened?”

“No…nothing…doesn’t matter” I lied, playing with my hands “I’m sorry…continue…”

“Are you okay?” he asked, sitting up as if he were trying to stand up, Wonsik looked at me inquisitively.

“Yes, I’m fine. Doesn’t matter now“ I lied again and turning back once more I ran back to my bedroom.

I curved into a ball under the covers of my bed, which seemed colder than before and unavoidably I began to tear up, waiting for dawn or that my tears would tire me enough so I could go back to sleep so I could forget what I just saw.

X  
X  
X

I lowered the car window to get some fresh air to ruffle my hair. I felt strangely calm while being alone in the car with Taekwoon.

The hardest thing for me was to pretend that everything was fine, that I was just embarrassed for discovering them in such private situation and that I wasn’t’ able to hear their moans, groans, pants, the squeak of springs of the mattress and the constant hitting of the bed on the walls. It was very easy for me to lie, it was very easy to pretend that none of that broke my heart a little bit more and more with each time.

It certainly surprised me that Taekwoon had suggested to go shopping on a Saturday afternoon in which we had nothing better to do than lay in the couch while zapping (Wonsik had to work to get a new song for I don’t know which band), so there we were, on our way to one of the shopping malls that was among my favorites for some shopping and leisure.

“What’s with that smile?” he asked me when we were talking through the crowded corridors.

“Smile? Which one?” I pretended, avoiding his gaze. I couldn’t tell him that I felt like it was some sort of date “It’s just that it’s been so long since I go out shopping and I need an improvement in my wardrobe.”

“Ugh…such gay cliché” he joked, pushing me slightly “I’m not going to buy you anything!”

“I wasn’t asking you” I replied, sticking my tongue out, playfully and I pulled him inside of one of my favorite brand clothing store.

I felt like it was just like before he became Wonsik’s boyfriend, we talked and laughed as if nothing had happened, as if the nightmares hadn’t returned or the ghost of my depression was slowly crawling back into my soul.

“Don’t move” I told him, handing him some clothes that I already decided to take home with me and I took some other garments to try on “I want you to give me your opinion on this jeans” Taekwoon rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning on one of the shelves that were close.

I took my time trying on the clothes, which looked quite good on me, those jeans definitely did the necessary justice on my legs and booty.  Quite satisfied with my decisions I left the dressing room with the idea of meeting a very angry Taekwoon, because I had lasted long in the dressing room and because I was planning on buying more clothes than my poor finances could afford…maybe if I give him my best puppy eyes and promise to cook and do the dishes for a week he would agree to buy something for me to lighten the load.

I was a bit taken a back when I didn’t saw him where I had left him. With my brow furrowed I stretched my neck to see if I was able to see him, which would be relatively easy as he was very visible with his 1.83 mts tall, but I wasn’t able to see him even with that. A little more anxious than before I started walking frantically around the store, I walked the entire upper floor and when I went down to the first floor I was breathing more heavily.

Nothing. There wasn’t any sign of him.

Suddenly I was aware that everyone looked at me, there was too many people around me and all of them seemed to notice the puny boy of dark skin that looked nervously around, I heard some laugh and I had the bad feeling that they were laughing at me, making fun of my arms full of clothes, my face turned completely in the face of worry and sheer panic; oxygen began to be insufficient and my head started spinning.

I dropped everything on a nearby island and, trying to look as normal as possible, I hurriedly walked towards the main corridor of the mall, hoping to find him there, but nothing.

Where was he? Did something bad happened to him? Why he didn’t told me that he had to leave or where he was going to be? Did he had enough of me and left? He was not capable of doing that…right?

I buried my face  in my hands and noticed that it was wet with tears that I had spilled without realizing even that I was crying, the sound of the world seemed to be inside a pipe and I listened from far away, I could only hear the beating of my heart pounding and my hectic breathing.

Someone was touching my arm and was telling me something, but still it wasn’t Taekwoon so my brain couldn’t process the signals correctly. There were several people around me and made me feel more enclosed. I pulled my hair and curled in a ball on the floor, squeezing my eyes shut to isolate myself from everyone to think.

“…look at his wrists…”

“…an ambulance…”

“…it’s a panic attack…”

“…he can’t be alone in a public place if he has agoraphobia…”

Of course. I was in a public place, I didn’t want to come out in the news or drag more attention to me. My brain seemed to find a moment of lucidity, so I got up immediately, with my surroundings still blurry,

  
Of course, public place, would not come out in the news or a lot more attention to me. My brain seemed to find a moment of lucidity, so I got up immediately, with my blurry surroundings.

And in the distance I saw them, walking peacefully in the store from I just went out. Taekwoon and Wonsik looked at me somewhat confused for the bunch of people who were around me. Taekwoon saw me in the middle of all that people that didn’t anything more than whisper and he seemed to understand, maybe he saw my tears, maybe he just saw it in my eyes, whatever it was made him run towards me. My feet dragged me towards him slowly, and we found each other in slow motion. His strong arms took me by the shoulders and his dark eyes explored me quickly.

“Hakyeon, what…? “I heard his voice from far away.

“You left…” I heard my voice whispering.

“I went out to the parking lot because Wonsik called me and told me he was here” he excused himself, my eyes filled up with tears “I’m sorry…I didn’t thought…I’m sorry, of course you are not okay…It was dumb of me to think you were good enough to leave you alone for a few seconds.”

“You left me alone…for him…” I whispered and I broke down in sobs and shudders, Taekwoon hugged me tightly in his arms, stroking my hair and rocking me in his arms, assuring me again again that everything would be fine, that he wouldn’t do it again.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one who knew how to lie convincingly. Nothing would be fine from that moment on, I could sense it.

A month before it didn’t even crossed his mind the thought of leaving me alone knowing the kind of problems that haunted me; now, before a single call from Wonsik and I was on the background. A month before I was his priority, now I was pushed to the background, I was nothing more than that now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and waiting!   
> Two more chapters and this ends.   
> Don't forget to comment, kudos, and subscribe! I appreciate all comments! :D   
> See you next time  
> (I tend to be more on the cheerful side but with this story I just feel weird to be al cheerful and happy when the story is such a...IDK sad? thing)


	5. One Last Time

Taekwoon POV

I stuck my face into his room and saw him still sleeping peacefully, with a calm face so I was sure he wasn’t having any nightmares. With a long sigh I closed the door and returned to the room where Wonsik was stuffing popcorn into his mouth, without looking away from the TV.

“He’s still asleep?” he asked when I sat next to him.

“Yes, the drugs are strong and…I know it’s his way of staying away from reality for a while” I sighed and stealing a handful of popcorn.

“You still think it's your fault?” he wondered, after a moment of silence.

“It _is_ my fault” I said “It’s been three months after the accident, I was foolish to think that I could leave him alone in an open place.

“But you didn’t knew he has agoraphobia, did you?”

“He doesn’t have agoraphobia, his problem is that he feels alone and that detonates everything else…and that’s exactly what I did today.”

“It’s still not your fault” Wonsik repeated and pulled me onto his lap, so I was lying in his legs –Hakyeon showed sings that he was okay, what would you know? Hakyeon can’t to be your responsibility forever.” I gave him a hard look “what? It’s true!”

“Hakyeon is also your friend” I scolded him “and I’ve been his best friend as long as I can rembember, he has no one else than us, specially me.

“And what about your life? Hakyeon it’s never going to heal completely” he stared into my eyes, he really meant it “are you going to be his nanny forever? Don’t you have plans to your own life? And I mean plans without Hakyeon in it.”

“Hakyeon is not a hindrance to me” I said firmly.

“And what if I say I want us to live together?” he took my hands and stared at me “and I don’t mean in this apartment, with what I earn I can afford us a much better place than this.”

“But Wonsik...” I stammered, stunned by the sudden confession, I stood up so I could look at him better.

“I know you hate this apartment, I know that you hate entering the bathroom because you start to think in what could’ve had happened if you hadn’t gotten there in time?” I shivered a bit “Taekwoon, at this rate you will also end up with some kind of mental issue.”

“But…Hakyeon…Wonsik…I…” I bit my lip gently, weighing the situation “Of course I accept to live with you, Wonsik, but…I need Hakyeon completely healed first, I can’t leave him just like that…”

“All right, understand” he said and kissed me on the forehead “but be selfish just for once, Taekwoon, you won’t be able to take care of Hakyeon all the time, you have to understand that he’s not your responsibility.”

X

X

X

“Hakyeon you’re going to be late!” I called him from the kitchen as I prepared our lunches for the day.

“I know…I know…I can’t find my fucking sport shoes” I heard him grunting somewhere in the hallway “Oh! By the way…” he peered his head on the kitchen with his arms full of things “I’ll be a home a little late today, I have to go look for a new apartment closer to the school.”

“What? Why?” I asked in confusion, following him to the door to give him his lunch.

“Well…it’s just that I’ll have more classes on my charge, I’ll be some kind of assistant teacher now and, well…I’m going to get out later and stuff and I find more difficult to get back home if there won’t be any buses” he shrugged to lessen importance “See you later” and without saying more he left the apartment hurriedly.

It had been a long time since I saw Hakyeon excited, really excited about something, or rather, he had never been so excited in his life, but oh well, that man was happy with anything related to dance.

In some ways I regretted that he was happy again, because he was again talking up a storm, he was hugging me all the time, in a few words he was again that chatty, cloying, extra cheerful and extra egocentric Cha Hakyeon; it bothered me, yes, but I was also so happy for him and his happiness.

There wasn’t any nightmares or panic attacks, I had no longer discovered him crying or I didn’t hear him sob in the middle of the night; the fact that he had decided to live alone meant he was no longer terrified of being alone. All that meant something, the antidepressants and anxiolytics were beginning to do their jobs and because of that his mental issues began to decrease and if all that diminished it gave me more freedom to let him be and enjoy even more my relationship that, in some way, a abandoned a little bit.

I could finally had formal dates in restaurants, I could go to the movies and take long walks on the park with Wonsik; I could do all that unhurriedly and without worrying in returning home quickly as Hakyeon was perfectly fine when I returned. Sometimes he was asleep in the middle of boxes as he packing all his things to move, other times he returned home even later than me because he went out with whoever was free that night and in very rare occasions he was in the living room, surrounded by snacks, with his eyes fixed on the TV in which he was watching some of his favorite movies or TV shows.

It had been many months, but at least, we all had a normal life.

X

X

x

Hakyeon POV

“Oh, Bean, you look so handsome in the magazine!” I shouted, flipping through the magazine almost adoringly. The Bean was indeed privileged with beauty and sensuality…and hard muscles.

“OK, ok, ok” Jaehwan said, pouring equal quantity of soju in six glasses “Because we have a handsome friend that makes his appearance in famous magazines!” he shouted, rising his glass and the others imitated him.

“And because he’s going to pay for this Korean Beef!” it was Sanghyuk turn to shout and drank his liquor, bravely.

We all shivered in unison as the alcohol burned our esophagus, but still, they all refilled their glasses, also attaching the meat who was grilling slowly with that delicious sizzling sound, oh yeah, music to my ears. I would really miss that sound.

“And when do you leave?” Jaehwan asked Taekwoon and Wonsik.

“Well, the wedding is on Saturday, so, I guess tomorrow night and we would be back son Sunday, maybe at noon” Taekwoon answered, shrugging.

“And aren’t you nervous about the reaction of Wonsik’s parents?” Hongbin asked, looking at them with curiosity.

“If my parents accepted this two sharing fluids and bed, I think Wonsik Hyung’s parents are piece of cake” Sanghyuk sad and the love birds exchanged loving glances that made my stomach sick, I repressed a sigh and forced a smile that, like all those that I had given in the last months, seemed very real. 

I stuffed another piece of meat in my mouth savoring every moment it lasted in my mouth, recording his taste and carefully watching my friends, remembering every moment I shared with them. I remembered how I met each one of them, and I even remembered when Sanghyuk was a little whiny brat who wanted to hang out with the “big friends of his big bro Woonie” and how when he went a year to study aboard and returned and surpassed us all in height.

I remembered all Jaehwan’s frustrated calls because he didn’t know whether or not auditioning, because he was so insecure about his looks, because he didn’t know if he wanted to be a singer; I also remembered the call that scared me a lot because I started thinking something bad had happened, as he was crying so hysterically, and it made me cry with happiness when he told me that he had been accepted without caring about his physical appearance. I laughed a bit inside when I saw Hongbin and remembered how perplexed he was because he had been recruited when dropping Jaehwan off in his first day as a trainee.

It came to my mind, also, that rainy day of our first day of school in which Taekwoon and I were a bundle of nerves, from the drastic change from a rural school to a high school in the busy Seoul, and a tall boy with a notebook under his arm, and his voice cracking at all times because he was going through puberty, that boy greeted us with a smile with braces and we all became inseparable since that day.

I took a long sigh and shook my head, the last thing I needed was to get melancholic. That would only delay and complicate things.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Sanghyuk wondered, touching my arm to get me out of my trance.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I’m sleepy” I said and smiled with drowsiness “I remembered why I mustn’t mix alcohol with the meds” and to add more realism I yawned “I must go.”

“'I'll take you, anyway it's late and we should sleep” Taekwoon mentioned, putting down his chopsticks and slightly squeezing Wonsik’s knee.

“Goodbye, boys” I held myself up so my voice wouldn’t crack.

I approached each one of them with a happy smile and force-hugged them and kissed them on the cheek despite their complaints, and grimaces. I had to do it at least one last time.

“You are not going to fall asleep on our way, right? I can’t carry you through the stairs“ Taekwoon wondered when we went out to the warm May night.

“No, of course not” I said with the same drowsy smile, leaning back the seat a little bit and stretching like a cat “I don’t want to waste this moment…” I muttered, without realizing it.

“Why?” Taekwoon asked, throwing a quick glance.

“Oh, well…it’s just that we are not going to be together as much as before” I added, looking absently through the window “you will go on a trip this weekend and when you’ll comeback I won’t around any longer.”

“But that doesn’t mean that we are not going to see each other again, I mean, you’ll still go to our weekly reunions, right?” he asked me, stopping the car in the parking lot, the restaurant was closer than I had imagined “don’t talk like we are not going to see each other anymore, we are…just not on a daily basis.”

“Right…not on a daily basis…” I mumbled, walking in silence inside the department and a sudden heavy feeling stayed in my stomach and I heard myself hyperventilate.

“Are you feeling good?” Taekwoon asked me coming to me in the darkness “What happened?”

“I’m sorry, shit…I’m so sorry” I panted, closing my eyes to control myself and not feel again that oppressing anguish as the one I felt when I saw my stuff neatly packed “this can’t happen, not now…specially not now…”

“It’s all right, don’t worry, this doesn’t mean we are going to be in the same situation as before” Taekwoon said, massaging my shoulders and his physical touch almost broke me down “remember all the progress you’ve made, I’ve never seen you so happy in a long time.”

“I know…” I panted again and hugged him strongly “Taekwoon, I need a favor…” I muttered, feeling how he tensed up, still in my embrace “I need something before I leave…” my voice cracked and treasonous tears slipped down my cheeks.

“Hakyeon, what’s wrong?” he asked, there was clear confusion and surprise in his words.

“Make love to me one last time” I pleaded, burying my face in his broad chest, clinging to his shirt for dear life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case nobody hasn't told you yet: You are important. You are in this world for a reason, it may not be the one you want, or maybe it's taking more time than you wish, but believe me, there's a reason why you're here.   
> You.  
> Are.  
> Important.


	6. Goodbye, my lover

“Make love to me one last time” I pleaded, burying my face in his broad chest, clinging to his shirt for dear life.

 “What?” Taekwoon asked, obviously confused, separating from me.

“I just need it and that’s it” I answered in a tearful voice, unable to look at him in the eye “One last time, please?” I pleaded again.

“Hakyeon…I don’t understand” he said, and grabbing me by the shoulders he sat me on the couch, I couldn’t stop sobbing “why are you asking me this? Why are you crying?”

“Nothing will be the same anymore” I sniffed and I finally was able to look at his face “I’m going to leave and I know I have to let you continue your life with Wonsik…but I just want you to make love to me one last time, I need it one last time so I can move on.”

“Why…?” suddenly she seemed to realize the truth “You fell in love with me” it wasn’t a question. I lowered my gaze, ashamed.

“I’m sorry” I apologized in a thin voice “I’m a fool. I’m sorry. I never wanted it to happen, and I neither wanted to ask you one last time, especially when I never really asked it for it, but I need it so I can leave all behind, I need it so I can continue…with what’s net, but I understand, it’s too much to ask. But, don’t worry, go to sleep, you’re leaving early in the morning.” I said, looking down and staring at my scars.

Dejected and embarrassed I stood up, but Taekwoon held me, pulling me by the hand and somehow I ended in his lap, Taekwoon buried his face in the nape of my neck and started kissing it gently, my legs surrounded his hips so I could straddle him. His hands began to run through my body, remembering the way to my sensitive spots and my hands also managed to find those spots than turned him on.  

I wanted to do all that in a calm and slow way, a real feeling of making love and not just a quick fuck, like we were used to, and Taekwoon seemed to understand the mute plead I made only with my eyes.

He kissed me, hugged me and touched me like if he didn’t wanted me to leave, he caressed my whole body with adoration and was worried about making me feel good, rather than just doing it for the sake of his own pleasure. I knew that nothing of that was real, but for me it was easier to pretend like his adoring gaze was true, I could easily fool myself that Taekwoon really loved me, at least for a few moments.

When I reached my orgasm, with him inside me, I hugged him so tightly, wishing to unite into one with him, recording in each neuron how his skin felt against mine, his hard breathing and the sound of his soft moans, moans that my caresses and my body provided him and filled him with pleasure, I recorded the beauty of his eyes, the gentleness in his looks and the softness of his lips; I made sure to remember every bit of him so I could leave in peace, with something beautiful on my memory.

X

X

X

The apartment was in complete silent, the day was bright, warm and cozy. Everything was calm, even I felt at ease when I left over the kitchen table the neatly folded sheets in which I had left my soul, I made sure it was the first thing you would notice as entering the kitchen; I went to the refrigerator to take out a bottle of my favorite soda and a banana milk, and walking once more through the halls of the place that had been my home for so many years I walked towards my room.

I sat on my bed, admiring the photo my friends had framed with so much love and wanted me to look at it every time I started to feeling down. I had refused to take it down, I wanted to see it as this was the lowest moment in my life, but I didn’t felt like it, I felt at ease, I felt secure as watching the happy smiles of the six of us.

I grabbed the bottle of pills and sighed.

The first bunch of pills passed easily, I felt a knot already forming in my throat but I kept in mind all the good things in my life, I tried to only think about the happy moments through my twenty-five years of life. There weren’t tears shed, there was no despair, I was totally determined and nothing would change my decision, I made sure nothing will ruin my attempt this time, I planned this for long time ago so this could be perfect, so this will be my last time.

The whole bottle of pills were in my system.

It was done.

In a few minutes I was going to stop existing.

I lay in my bed, closing my eyes as they felt heavy, my fingers gripped the kitchen knife I had brought and, having a déjà vu, I slid it across my wrists one more time, deeper, decided, more secure of myself.

I sighed and closed my eyes, just waiting to be able to understand at least of all those sayings that my problems were going to end, that I was finally going to be happy, that I was going to be at peace.

I just waited.

 X

X

X

Taekwoon POV

“Ugh…I just wasn’t to take a long bath and sleep until tomorrow” Wonsik said as we were climbing the stairs to get to my apartment.

“I must say your nephews are the most infuriating people with lest that one meter tall” I said, rummaging in my pockets to find the keys “And that’s really something to say as I really love children” I added, opening the lock.

“Hakyeon already moved for today, right?” Wonsik asked, hugging me from behind.

“You said that you were tired and only wanted to shower and sleep” I complied, opening the door and entering my familiar surroundings, I was surprised to see Hakyeon’s boxes still in his corner in the living room.

“I didn’t say I wanted to shower alone” he added with a mischievous smile and threw himself in the couch.

“Ok then, Romeo, go get the suitcases and we’ll see if I grant your wish” I hurried him, hitting him slightly in the arm “if you do that maybe I’ll cook your favorite pasta” I bribed him and he stood up immediately.

I chuckled and went into the kitchen, if I already promised him pasta I had to cook pasta or I will be facing a huge tantrum that a three year-old would have anything to complaint. I noticed a piece of paper in the middle of the table, it had my name and it was Hakyeon’s handwriting.

_My dear Taekwoon:_

_You have no idea how hard it’s for me to start writing this, but if I didn’t I feel like I would regret a lot of things._

_I don’t know where to start, I have many things to say that I feel it wouldn’t be enough even with a whole notebook, but I’ll try to say as much as I can, I mean, write…you get the point._

_First of all, thank you._

_Thank you for all those years of friendship and all those shared moments, you really are the person I most appreciated and loved in my entire life._

_Yes, Taekwoon, I love you. It’s those little things that you don’t actually want them to happen, but they still happen anyways, I never dared to say it because I knew that you didn’t saw me the same way I did…and in some way I ended up right. I wish that you and Wonsik be very happy, it makes me so happy to know that you find someone who makes you happy and loves you just as much, or even more, than you do._

_I know you haven’t told me, but let’s just say I kind of eavesdropped your conversation and let me tell you: Enjoy your life together, you won’t have to worry about my wellness, I won’t be a burden for you, for anyone else. You would be able to enjoy 100% your new life by his side. I made a deposit in your account of the little savings I could manage since I decided this, buy something pretty for your new house, it really has to be cozy for your two._

_Taekwoon, I know that you aren’t getting any of why I’m telling you this, I don’t judge you, I want to assume that they are going to give the Oscar for best actor of the year and…the truth is…I never was fine, so…goodbye._

_You have been the most important thing in my life, the only thing that lighted up my darkest fears and emotions. You are now with him and I don’t exist for you anymore, so I don’t have anything left to say more than: Thank you for all you did for me, for all those laughs, all those kisses, hugs and nights spent in your arms; thanks for all those years of friendship and thanks for standing by my side in my toughest times._

_So now, I say goodbye, I don’t expect you to understand…but anyways I’ll say it: if you won’t be in my life, there’s no point for me to keep living._

_Goodbye, my lover; goodbye, my friend. You have been the one for me._

_It’s not your fault, not believe it is. I’m just so damaged inside that there’s no way to fix me. It’s not your fault, Wonsik’s right, I’m not your responsibility and you have to make your own life. Yes, you’re all I said, but I don’t want to think on my own benefit and that’s why I decided this. Let’s see this on the good side: all my stuff is packed, I already threw out what I don’t need, I said goodbye to the kids, I ate everything I could that I liked through all this years and you made love to me one last time. I’m leaving at peace, totally at peace._

_Don’t cry so much for me, I’ll honestly be better when I leave, I know it’ll hurt you, but…I’ll be fine, very fine, much better than today._

_I know that if don’t leave now I will never do. So, goodbye. I hope we meet again, whenever we have to meet again._

_I love you, Taekwoon. It’s not your fault._

I threw up the letter with my face wet with tears, ignoring Wonsik’s worried questions. I ran to Hakyeon’s room with a knot on my throat and fear clung to my soul. I opened the door and air left my lungs when seeing the impressive image of Hakyeon lying in his bed.

He seemed to be sleeping, his face was at peace, the only detail was that he was too pale and the linen where tainted in bright crimson of all the blood of his body.

“HAKYEON!” I tore my throat when I screamed at him, useless. I approached his lifeless body, looking for any sign of life, but nothing “Please, Hakyeon!” I screamed again when I felt no pulse on his neck, I cradled him in my arms, his skin was cold but still hadn’t rigor.

Wonsik came running when hearing my cries and stood impassive in the door when seeing me crying hysterically over the lifeless body of my best friend.

“Oh…Wonsik, call an ambulance…something…we need to…” I started babbling nonsense, stroking his dark hairs that still smelled to his favorite Shampoo “Hakyeon…Hakyeon…” I sobbed again and again, rocking him gently “Please, wake up…please…I need you with me…”

“Taekwoon, come…” Wonsik called my with his voice broken, he was also crying but I knew that he was controlling for me. He had a cellphone in his shaky hand and was trying to dial a number “We can’t do anything for him…”

“NO! There must be something!” I repeated stubbornly again and again. “He can’t…he can’t just leave me.”

I had been a fool. I had focused too much on me, I had gone way over with my egocentrism, I was very foolish when thinking that Hakyeon had been fine from one day to another, my new relationship had blinded me in spotting the signals that he was clearly hurt; I felt foolish for not being able to distinguish his signals and abandoning him just like that, without asking him how he truly felt.

I had despised him as if he were nothing.

I had believed that all was fine and I had failed in recognizing the signals that he was far from being good.

I had failed my best friend, my best friend who I was the entire world to him.

I had failed to the person that saw me like the only reason to continue living.

“I'm sorry, I’m so sorry, Hakyeon, so, so sorry” I said to him, shaking him with the sobs that shook me completely “You are going to be happy now, right?” I whispered, kissing his forehead again and again “I’m sorry, Hakyeon, I’ll never understand why you did that, why you never trusted me enough…but I know that for the first time you’ll be happy…I’m sorry that you hadn’t thought in another solution.” I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and wiped his cheeks that were wet because of my tears “You were a fool, Hakyeon. I always said to you that things were solved by talking…you should have told me, Hakyeon…you should have told me that you loved me….you’re a fool Hakyeon, such a fool” I said, still stroking his smooth cheek “I’m really sorry, seriously…” I just stood there, with him in my arms for I don’t know how long, repeating tirelessly that I was sorry, wondering aloud what could I have done to avoid that situation and just lamenting and crying the loos of my best friend, the loss of my best friend to a stupid mistake I made.

“Taekwoon…” Wonsik called my name after I don’t know how much time elapsed, there wasn’t any tears to be shed anymore and my voice was hoarse from so much crying “Taekwoon, they have to take…Hakyeon’s body, you have to let him go.” He grabbed me by the shoulders and tried to separate me from him but I clung on tighter.

“No, please, not yet…not yet” I said hoarsely “Please, not yet…I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“You have to…” Wonsik said, with a barely audible voice and choking back a sob, behind him there were people that I couldn’t identify if they were paramedics or police, and honestly, I didn’t care a damn. “We have to let him go. We have to say goodbye. The important thing is that Hakyeon is going to live in our memory, in there he’s still alive and laughing, we can remembering him happy and not…not in his worse moments.” Even though I had no more tears to shed, still some managed to wet again his face.

“Goodbye, my best friend, my companion, my confident, my lover…” I whispered in his ear, wiping again my tears and the traces of his own dry tears and I left a last kiss in the corner of his lips “Goodbye.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not crying, you are crying -starts sobbing uncontrollaby-
> 
> I'm really sorry, but  I really wanted to write something angsty and sad. It had been a long time since the last time I killed a character (and it was a Naruto character so... go figure xD) 
> 
> Thanks to all those who gave time to this humble story, those who took their time to comment, give your kudos and subscribe. Thanks to all who read in silence. It's really appreciated.
> 
> And let me just say this one thing: If you have a friend with suicide thoughts, please, don't ignore them. If you are the one with suicide thoughts, please, search for help. Not many of you would know this, and it may sound dumb but I was going to kill myself maybe like a year or something ago...and then they announced that VIXX was coming to Mexico, and then I found out I was pregnant, for many people that would be the cherry on top to end things, but I decided not do it, not yet at least, but then I started thinking, why would I end up with my life if there's so much beautiful things? Even when I think there are worse things in my life there are still beautiful things and people that worth keep living for. Now my daughter is 9 months-old, she is my entire life, I live for her, and I want to live to see her grow and achieve many things I couldn't do. I'm not saying I don't have depression anymore, belive sometimes it's so hard even to stand up from the bed, but then I see at her and I remind myself why I have to get up of that bed.   
>  Please, don't ignore the signals, don't ignore the people. And remember:
> 
> "Suicide does not end things, it ends the probabilty of life getting better"
> 
> Thank you for reading! 

**Author's Note:**

> Will update con Mondays.  
> The parts on italics are flashbacks.


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